Title: If You Still Loved Me. Pair: [Fictionals] Beats/Renee, minors. Rate: R. Genre: Romance, Angst. Summary: Beatrice, known as Beats, and Renee broke up because Renee felt that it wasn't working. Beats is more than upset, she is depressed. (A short story about love, heart break, forbidden love, and Beats' 15 year struggle.)
Warnings: cursing, mentions of sex, girlxgirl love, minor!boyxboy love
A/N: Based on true events, and the characters in the story are real people
___
Beats and Renee were silent, dead silent. You couldn't even hear their breath. Renee finally spoke, "I-... I'm sorry, Beatri-"
"No." Beats took a step back, bumping into the door knob. She unthinkingly opened the door, walked out quickly, not hearing Renee call her back. She went down the stairs, trying to avoid tripping or something, but she was kind of hoping so she could die. She made it too the door, but hesitated after opening it. She was waiting.
Stop me, if You still loved me you'd stop me right now
No sound, Beats left, slamming the door, tears streaming down her caked make up face.
Maybe it was the dark make up, maybe it was my boyish clothes
No, Renee wore boyish clothes also, but no make up. She had short hair, and so did Beats. Beats and Renee were sort of the same height, Renee being taller, but Beats was the male in the relationship.
Maybe I was too controlling? Maybe she didn't like that I was guy-like?
Beats wasn't sure anymore, she just knew she was in love with Renee, hoping it would fade.
Beats woke up sick from crying all night, and her parents heard but they didn't know why. In the morning Beats went to school, hating the fact that she'd have to tell her friends the bad news.
"Guys," she started, "Renee broke up with me." Beats gulped down hard, today she was wearing liquid-proof make up, but she still didn't want to cry.
All of her friends gasped, Renee was her very first everything, and it made everyone happy. A friend put their hand on Beats shoulder, and Beats couldn't hold it in anymore. She sobbed, tears falling like rain, and the popular group and people that disliked her went to her side to see what was wrong. But Beats covered her face and walked away from all of them.
It's unbearable, they all care, but You don't. If You still loved me You would have called me today
Going home after school was a numb feeling Beats never felt, and she usually felt and remembered how she got home in the first place. Being home alone, both her parents at work, made her feel like the emptiness in her heart; meaningless things were there except love. She went to the computer, even if she had homework. She went on her email to see tons of messages about the scene she made, also on MySpace, FaceBook, Gaia, thank god not on LiveJournal or Quizilla.
Listening to hardcore screamo metal and all, she went to sleep. Dreaming so helplessly of Renee. Just thinking about Renee made her cry so hard she could die, which is what she wanted so badly. She woke up, it was 3 AM, she looked at her phone.
Crap, all these missed calls, emails, texts, and none are from You. If You still loved me you'd at least check that I didn't commit suicide
Crying already, she forced her eyes closed, hoping she'd dream of killing herself hundreds of times until she had the guts to actually do it.
Another day at school, painful yet numb as usual. Until girls she used to like and even guys came to talk to her whenever she was alone.
A punk, but popular for her looks and singing voice, girl came up to her. Punk-Girl was friendly to everyone, and no one hated her, everyone loved her, even Beats had a crush on her. Punk-Girl smiled, "Hey."
"I know you're only talking to me for the first time because of what happened."
Punk-Girl looked hurt and guilty, but the smile was still plastered onto her face. "Listen, Beatrice, I heard someone broke up with you."
"I loved her."
"Her?"
"Go ahead and tell someone, I don't care anymore."
Punk-Girl was silent, for a long second. She leaned forward, "What was she like?"
"You might as well ask me to pull a hammer and hit myself in the head." However, Beats did tell her, "She was smart, she's the reason why I wanted to be smart. She was boyish, the first time I saw her I thought she was a boy, but I still didn't care. For 3 years I loved her, and 1 year in those 3 she broke up with me." Beats looked down, she wasn't even bothering putting on make up anymore. "I still love her."
Punk-Girl had tears in her eyes, she wiped a tear, sniffed, but still held a smile. "You're strong, don't do anything rash, Beatrice. You seem nice. There are plenty of-"
Beats stood up, "Don't say that." Beats walked away from Punk-Girl while she was still talking, she was the very first to do that.
If You still loved me, you'd wonder if I still liked Punk-Girl
Days went by, and a guy she used to like more than anyone else other than Renee went up to her, "Beats, stop doing this!"
"Doing what? What am I doing?"
"You're depressed! Who cares if someone dumped you."
Beats stood, "Shut up. I loved her with all my heart for 3 years, no one can ever change that."
He seemed shocked, "You're a dyke?"
"No. I liked you, didn't I?"
"Oh." He was silent for a moment, obviously bothered, not completely disturbed, by the sudden confession of the orientation. He tried to be perky again, "Listen, Beats, seriously, it's hard seeing you like this. I think she would-"
"If She still loved me She would have taken the time to speak to me ever since we broke up."
He was defeated, they both knew it.
Later on, a girl, in which her nickname was Simple, that Beats still kind of liked finally took the courage in talking to the stubborn, walking zombie. "Hey."
Beats was surprised, and not surprised. "Hm."
Simple never started their conversation first, not even if they were partnered in temporary. Simple sat next to Beats, it was study hall. "Listen, I feel really ba-"
"I have 2 ideas of what you're about to say. 1) You feel bad I was broken up with, or 2) You're guilty that you never spoke to me."
Simple was silent. "Both. But I really am sorry."
Beats wanted to smile, but she couldn't. "I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I like you. Do you know what I used to wonder? You're beautiful, you have a pretty smile, chocolate brown eyes, skinny, breasts, and you're not popular. I think that's why I liked you more than anyone other than Renee and Joshua."
Simple was silent, bothered but trying to be polite. She stood up and left, and Beats felt happy for a moment.
If You still loved me you would ask how I was doing, I wonder how you're doing
After school Beats went on the computer, slept, got up to go to school.
She did that for 5 years. In her senior year of high school she lost her virginity with some manwhore. After it was over he huffed, "You can't tell anybody we did this."
Beats just blinked got dressed, and left. She was at a party that some girl from the popular girl invited her to.
And then she saw her.
Renee
Beats saw Simple, sitting at a table, cup of water in her hand. She seemed miserable. Through the years her friends started abandoning her because her breasts got bigger, like Beats'. And guys started making rumors of fucking her, therefore, she is a rumored slut. However, Beats knew she wasn't.
Beats went to the table and sat down, "Why are you sitting here?"
Simple looked up, a little surprised and scared. Beats still had a crush on Simple, and Simple knew and was still bothered. But she was glad one person in the school didn't hate her. "If you didn't read the weekly gossipers, I'm a whore."
Beats grimaced, "No, you're not. The girls here are haters, the guys are pigs."
Simple responded, "Not to be mean, but I know you're only talking to me because you like me."
"At least I don't think you're a whore. Can you dance?" Beats' mind was still on Renee, but she still wanted Simple to dance with her.
Simple shrugged, "Yeah, but it'll cause my rep of being a slut to go higher."
"You dancing with me won't make you a whore, but it'll give people some horny minds because everyone here besides us is drunk." Beats stood up.
Simple, knowing Beats can move on the floor, nervously muttered, "Compared to you, I suck at dancing."
"I'll make you look good, and again, everyone is drunk."
Simple smiled, "Kay."
Beats and Simple went to the floor with bumping music that you can have sex to played. Beats and Simple were at first dancing, giving each other space between them. Then the floor got more crowded, and Beats skillfully brought Simple's body closer to her own body. Renee left Beats head, and Simple's hot body was on her mind and her body. Simple was stiff from their sudden contact at first, but the music brought her senses down and her body alive.
People were staring, mostly guys. They seemed so horny by how well and long they stared. Suddenly, Beats smashed their lips together, hand on the back on Simple's head. Simple pulled away, covering her lips. But then she removed her hand and kissed Beats. The two made out on the dance floor, and when Beats pulled away, Renee was staring straight at them.
If You still loved me you would leave right now
But Renee walked up to Beats, "Beatrice? Is that you?"
Beats looked at Simple, Simple asked, "Who's this?"
"I'm Renee, Beats and I were..."
"We were nothing." Beats pulled Simple away, feeling the pit of her stomach burning.
Simple asked as they were outside, "What's wrong? Was that-... Was that her?"
Beats turned to Simple, her face close, her voice in a low whisper, "I don't want to talk about her." Beats connected their lips. Her hands gripped Simple's waist, and she pushed her up against the house.
Simple moaned, a little in a whine. But she pulled away, "No, I can't do this. You still love her."
"Simple, but-"
Simple pushed Beats' chest, "You like me, but you love her."
Beats shook her head, eyes clenched, "Stop. Marissa, please stop this." Beats used Simple's real name, meaning she was serious.
Simple shook her head, "It hurts doesn't it? If you were over her, you'd be able to stand it."
Beats opened her eyes, but turned to walk away.
If You still loved me, you would stop me right now
But Renee didn't come, and Beats kept walking on her way home. At school the next day, Beats avoided Simple, and everyone else that remembered or thought they saw she and Simple kiss. Beats dreamt of Renee, still in middle school, and they were saying their feelings. Only to be interrupted by the break up. Flashbacks of Beats old crushes trying to break her ice came to mind, and Simple's words came in, only to make Beats scream in frustration to wake.
For 3 years in her college, she's had sex with at least 1 man and 2 different girls. And still, the only person she loved was Renee, sometimes she wanted to moan her name while having sex with someone else. Beats moved away from LA, all the way to Tokyo, where she met some really sexy model named Haiku, nicknamed Jet.
In bed, Beats noted, she was as fast as a jet. Jet and Beats had a relationship for about 1 month, but after Jet found out Beats was in love with another woman, she thought it'd be best for her to leave.
Straight after, Beats being almost 21 years old, she moved to Seoul where she met some 25 year old dancer and they hit it off in an instant. His stage name was Mouse, he was childish, cute, and definitely Beats' ideal type in men. Beats ended up being pregnant within 2 weeks in their relationship. She hid it at first, afraid, but he found out eventually. He told her it was okay, that he wanted a baby in the first place to prove to his older dance mates that he could get a woman.
That broke Beats' heart. Mouse was a good, cool kid. The both of them were childish, now they had to take care of a baby. One day, after a few months, they fought because Beats brought up the subject of him loving his dance mate. He said he was straight, but his eyes, filled with tears, told a different story. Beats left his place, going to one of his dance mate's place. His stage name was Rough, because he was big and had a nice body.
Once she came in, she asked, "Do you love him?"
He froze, "Wh-what?"
"Do you love him?"
"Beats-"
"Tell me, Ronnie, please."
Rough was looking down when he confessed, "I love him with all my heart."
Tears fell from Beats eyes, but she smiled in happiness. "Then I suggest you two should be together. I lost the one I loved, and I want you two to be together while you two still love each other. I just realized today that you really can't move on or live without that person." Beats left, went back to Mouse's place, packed her things, and left. All that while he was knocked out on the couch.
She took the next few planes all the way to LA, which was a drag, considering that she was pregnant. She went to her younger cousin's house, but they consider themselves sisters. Her sister was shocked to see her sister pregnant.
When she asked, Beats answered, "I'm 8 months pregnant. I left my boyfriend, he loved someone else and that someone loved him also. I want them to be together."
Her sister smiled, she knew Beats was depressed all her life because a girl dumped her. "I hope you find that person, also."
"Thanks."
After about 7 years later, Beats was about 28. And her baby boy was turning 7. His name was Jaehyun Simple Cortez, Mouse's real name and Rough's real name together, with Marissa's nickname, and Beats' last name. Jaehyun was a very childish kid, just like his mother and father. He looked like a perfect mixture, but he had an accent every time he spoke Korean, Spanish, and English. It was cute, and lots of little girls loved him, but he seemed uninterested.
One time, Beats asked her son, "Jae, do you like girls?"
Jaehyun seemed confused, "Yes, I'm supposed to, that's what Zach said when I said Greg was cute."
Greg reminded Beats of Renee, too much, but she responded, "You like Greg, don't you?"
Jaehyun smiled, "We kissed before."
"You did? When?"
Jaehyun was turning red, "Well, it was at school, under the play structure. Remember we got in a fight? Then you and his daddy had to talk to my teacher after school? We decided to make up, and I asked how do you make up. And he said his parents make up by kissing. Then we did. Is that bad?"
Beats smiled, "No, of course that isn't bad. Y'know, your father likes guys."
"Did he like you?"
"I don't know, but his boyfriend was pretty cute."
"Do you like daddy?"
"Yes."
"Do you like girls?"
"Yes."
"That's weird."
Beats chuckled, "Okay, let's eat dinner."
After a few months, Beats was called to Jaehyun's school, she guessed he was in another fight. There were two more mothers in the teacher's class, and she stopped as she saw the mothers.
Renee, and Simple.
If You still loved me, you would be shocked to see me
And Renee was. "Beatrice?"
"Beats?" Simple hugged her, "How are you?"
When she pulled away, Beats noticed Renee with a shocked expression. But Beats answered, "Old."
Simple chuckled, not remembering Renee was Beats true love. The parents sat down. And the teacher began.
"Ms. Cortez, your son Jae and Mrs. Alvorado's son Greg have made a very inappropriate talk in class. And Mrs. Hanson's son Zach was also part of it."
Beats asked, in her somewhat manly voice, "What happened?"
"Jae said it was all right for he and Greg to make up. And they kissed in front of the class, Zach ran away, eyes covered with his hands. Even when I tried to stop them, Greg and Jae told Zach it was okay for them to kiss, guys can like guys. Zach then turned to another boy named Eli and kissed him. I didn't mind the kissing if it were between the opposite sex, but with the same-"
Beats chuckled, no matter how hard she tried to hold it in. Simple did also, and Renee laughed too.
"What is so funny?"
"Mrs. Jack, let me tell you, I told my son it was okay. And, I have kissed these two women before. And Jaehyun's father is gay. So, if you're homophobic, just suspend him from your class or something. I don't give a damn, kissing is unacceptable, but expelling them for talking about guys liking guys is pathetic." Beats stood. "It was nice chuckling at your ignorant rant, I'll be on my way to take my child to Chuck E. Cheese, he deserves it."
Simple stood, holding Beats hand, making electric shocks run through her mind. Renee stood also, and the two followed Beats walk out of the class leaving a stunned teacher.
Beats scoffed, "Bitch. She's lucky I didn't slap her or something."
Simple gushed, "I can't believe you said that, it was amazing. I mean, you were so respectful in school to teachers, but this is hilarious."
"And you're breasts just keep getting bigger."
"I wouldn't talk, yours aren't any smaller."
"Touche, but I can hide it."
Renee coughed, "Beatrice?"
Simple said, "I'll see ya later, Beats, and bye, Mrs. Alvorado." Simple walked away.
Beats heart thumped loudly, even Renee could hear it. Beats asked, "Yeah?"
"Is Jaehyun really your son?"
"Yeah, why is that so hard to believe?"
"I thought you couldn't..."
Beats chuckled humorlessly, "I had sex at least 30 times with other people, but I still loved you through these years. And it seems my son likes Greg, your son. Do you love Him?"
"Greg?"
"Your husband."
Renee was silent.
"Yes?"
Silence.
"No?"
"No, I do. Just...not as much as I wished."
Beats sighed, "Why did you dump me, really, Renee?"
Renee shook her head, "I don't know, I thought we'd have to go our separate ways anyways. You loved children and men, you loved other women."
"I also loved Michael Jackson, still do, but I'd choose you over him any day."
Renee, knowing how obsessed Beats was in love with Michael Jackson, gasped "You-you would?"
"Yeah."
"Even if he liked you back?"
"Yep."
"Even if he asked you out?"
"Yes."
"Even if he wanted babies and marriage?"
"Renee, I love no one else more than I love you. For almost 2 decades I loved you."
Renee felt tears swell, but she held it back. "I-..."
"You regret it, I know. But, you don't love me as much as you wish. If you really loved me, you would have stopped me from leaving your house that day, called me the next day, bothered to see me, to leave the party in senior year, all of that. You don't love me, do you?"
"I want to, I'm guilty. I still like you, but-"
"Stop, Renee. It's okay." Beats took a step back, then turned to walk away. When Beats went to the play structure, she saw her child.
She saw Greg's hand on Jaehyun's cheek, Jaehyun and Greg were kissing passionately for little boys.
It made Beats smile.
Greg pulled away. He had blond hair, silver eyes, light skin, and he was taller than Jaehyun. He whispered in a low voice, "I love you, Jaehyun."
Jaehyun smiled, "I love you, Greg. Is this wrong?"
Greg shook his head, "No, my mom said it wasn't."
"So did mine." Jaehyun turned his head, and gasped, "My mom."
Greg pulled away, turned, and took a step back.
But Beats said to Jaehyun as she took steps closer, "It's time to leave."
Jaehyun smiled, "Okay, mom." Jaehyun looked at Greg, longingly. "Bye."
"Later."
Jaehyun walked away. In the car, Jaehyun said, "Mom, I think I'm in love."
"I think you are too."
"Aren't I too young?"
"If you were too young, you're supposed to like girls. And I wouldn't be taking you to Chuck E. Cheese right now."
Jaehyun smiled, "Thanks, mommy. You're the best."
Beats smiled, thinking of Renee's smile back in middle school, it matched Greg's. "Greg is pretty well, Jaehyun, don't you forget your feelings for him."
"I won't ever, mommy, I love him very much."
-Fin.
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